Love…probably the most used and abused of all emotions and words. What is it that we do not shove under this umbrella term? Care, affection, respect, longing…as also jealousy, fear, pain, insecurity, ego. Which side the scales tilts on and when, there is no saying. When the care and affection turns into raging jealousy and possessiveness we ourselves don’t know. We are essentially volatile creatures without a stable core. May be that is why we crave after something that is permanent, stable and everlasting.
Is Love, however, always to be permanent and forever? Do we and can we always feel the emotion at that very intensity? Is true love the person you have committed to for life but fail regularly or that stranger who was a chance acquaintance but showed you life in an entirely new perspective? What would you say at your deepest, most committed and sincerest self- to either the person who is there with you forever or someone whom you just met and will probably never see again? If you got a chance to express yourself to your true love, without any fear whatsoever, to express “Love” as it were, would you be honest enough say something like this??
“I have missed you ..Missed you more than the nature or length of our acquaintance warrants. That such an unabashed display of emotion will scare you away, blowing to pieces whatever we have, I’m scared. That I’m humiliating myself by baring my heart and soul thus, yes I’m scared of that too. We human beings are pretty much out of sync with ourselves and with each other. That very moment when the reality of our mortality hits me in the face, forcing me to “seize the day” and tell you how I feel may be the exact moment when you are caught in the rut of daily life, weighed down by our mundane existence – by the deadlines at work and the exhausted groceries at home. Yes we are out of sync but speak I must for these moments of peace and truth are rare.
I must tell you how I have missed you, missed you so much that there was a physical pain in my heart and I could not breathe. That I have had numerous conversations with you in my head, including this one , where we shared more than our life. From the nail paint on my feet to the fragrance of my hair, from the colour of my lips to the smell of my skin, from the dark and twisted insides of my soul to the songs that make me dance, from the books that make me cry to the rainbows that make me alive. Yes, I have shared all this and much more with you.
I also know that it cannot always be so between us, that we cannot always meet at the same plane as we do in my imaginings. If we were to be given a chance for a one on one conversation, what would we even say to each other? Would we be able to continue at this exalted level? Or if we were to meet 20 years or so down the line, what would it be like then? Would you touch my body and my soul the way you do now? Or would you just turn around and walk away? Or may be you will hold me while I sob inconsolably.
I know nothing. I don’t even know how we will meet tomorrow when this flush of emotion has died down and I too am operating from my utterly mundane humane level of awareness and perception. May be we will forget this moment of peace, love, and revert to our daily bickering. And in the face of such a possibility, have I not thrown caution to the winds and made myself vulnerable? For that is how we operate in this power game of human emotions. Yes may be I have done nothing but exposed my weakness and bolstered your ego.
And maybe you are not even real – perhaps you are nothing but a figment of my imagination, a physical embodiment of all that I desire- love, comfort, peace. Yet I miss you and that is the truth. And what better way and what better day than today to tell you so – to thank you for all the calm and comfort you brought into my life. Unconventional though it was, perhaps even inexplicable but you made me come alive, alive to myself, to the wonder of life and the joy of love. And for that I’ll be eternally indebted to you.”